She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
