i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
