Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
