He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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