He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
