How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
