Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
