i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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