I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
