She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
