I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
