does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
