two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
