i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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