I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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