Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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