There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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