Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
