I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
