i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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