Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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