he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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