Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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