I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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