Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
