nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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