I cannot find my penis.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
