At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
