moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
