I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
