and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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