I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
