I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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