I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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