We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
