Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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