nut hugger
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
