Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think I sprained my soul last night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
