You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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