I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
