If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
