She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
