I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
