seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
