2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
