your parents love me but you hate me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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