So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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