I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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