and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
