Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need a burrito and a hug.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
