They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
