do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
