I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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