he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
