The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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