I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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