I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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