my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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