apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
