He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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